I need to cry.
But for whatever reason, I can't.
Do you know the feeling?
It's frustrating, and that frustration is turning to anger.
I looked up the five stages of grief.
I don't think they apply.
I'm just broken.
And stressed.
Upset.
I know crying will help me heal. It's like an animal licking its wounds.
So why is it that I need to cry? Why do I need cleansing and healing?
For one thing, I'm a girl. It's kind of one the things I do best. Crying, that is...
Huh, it's funny... so many birthdays I've ended up crying, either on the day of or a day close to. I'm actually hoping that this will be no exception. I need those tears and the sooner the better. I've welled up a few times so far, but nothing significant enough to have a cleansing effect, unfortunately. I keep asking people to punch me in the face, but they don't do it. Of course, I don't really want physical pain inflicted upon me, but I think now I have a better understanding of why people cut, etc.; albeit, probably not a perfect understanding. Kinda wish I had the guts to do that now. Oh well.
Wow, this is a really depressing blog entry. I'm just trying to vent and get that cleansing feeling of which I'm presently so desirous. It's not happening.
I'm going to bed instead.
Good night.
Oh wait, I didn't answer the question of why I want to cry.
Let's see now...
- I'm going home in approx. 5 weeks, leaving behind a place and an abundance of friends I have come to love.
- I don't even know yet how I'm getting home/what I'm going to do about all my "belongings." I should just sell them all...
- Did I mention I'm leaving a ton of people I love?
- I got my hopes up about something (even though I tried so hard not to), and I ended up crushed. It was short-lived and hard-hitting (harder than I thought it would be, anyway).
- I'm going to miss my friends so so so freaking much. That alone makes me want to bawl.
- I feel small amounts of pressure on several fronts, summing up to a rather large weight.
- I feel rushed, yet I'm having to wait.
- I hate thinking about leaving everyone here in Virginia, let alone just leaving, so I feel like these last few weeks are just prolonging the inevitable; I want them to be over already, yet I don't because that means I will no longer be here, with people I love (not that I don't have people I love back in California, too).
- I didn't get a birthday cake (kinda silly...but it's a first for me)
- I thought my mom hadn't wished me happy birthday, but I was wrong.
- I miss my family, which reminds me that I'm going home, which reminds me that I'm leaving people I love out here.
- I've had a great time and experienced many things out here, yet there is still so much that I want to do before I leave. There is just no way of fitting it all in... I don't want any regret; what do I choose?
- I'm over dating for the sake of dating. I hate all the heartbreak for either/both parties involved, when it all goes south. I'm just ready to move on, but I have to wait...what do I do while I wait so I'm not just waiting?
- Yeah, I'm gonna miss everyone/everything here...but I'm ready to leave, already.
3 comments:
I feel ya, sister. Got any movies that can set you off? Sometimes that's all I need - something to get me started and then the real stuff kicks in and can get all washed out.
Moulin Rouge is a good one. Pay It Forward is a sad cry... It's a Wonderful Life is a happy cry, but it might take a little too long... Is it weird that I have this list ready? *I* think it's just a girl thing.
I've already tried the stuff that would typically make me cry. Just welled me up; not enough for the real thing. Oh well, I'm moving past the needing to cry. I'm in the "I don't give a hoot" stage now. Hah. Thanks for the advice though, and no I don't thing it's weird that you have that list ready. It's like having a first-aid kit list ;)
Life is a roller coaster baby and when you're down maybe a good scream might work better than a cry. Every full moon I howl and it brings great relief -- it's like a good cry. And, it is OK to feel this way...just not for too long of a stretch...cuz then we gotta' talk. So what flavor b'day cake ya want??
I will never forget your birthday. It was one of the most special days of my life.
I love you.
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